Who’s On Hoth?

by
Daulton Dickey.

(With Apologies to Abbott & Costello)

Stormtrooper 1: Alright, now whaddya want?

Stormtrooper 2: Now look, I’m the head of the reconnaissance division for the Imperial Army, and we’re looking for the Rebellion’s hidden base, which we hear is on either Tatooine, Kashyyk, or Hoth, and we’ve been told that you know the names of the three divisions of the Alliance on each planet.

Stormtrooper 1: Oh sure.

Stormtrooper 2: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Stormtrooper 1: We have Who’s on Hoth, What’s on Tatooine, I Don’t Know’s on Kashyyk.

Stormtrooper 2: That’s what I wanna find out.

Stormtrooper 1: I say Who’s on Hoth, What’s on Tatooine, I Don’t Know’s on Kashyyk –

Stormtrooper 2: You know the Alliance’s names?

Stormtrooper 1: Certainly!

Stormtrooper 2: Well, then who’s on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: Yes!

Stormtrooper 2: I mean the Alliance’s name!

Stormtrooper 1: Who!

Stormtrooper 2: The section of the Alliance on Hoth!

Stormtrooper 1: Who!

Stormtrooper 2: The rebels!

Stormtrooper 1: Who!

Stormtrooper 2: The rebels attempting to overthrow the Empire!

Stormtrooper 1: Who is on Hoth!

Stormtrooper 2: Now whaddya askin’ me for?

Stormtrooper 1: I’m telling you Who is on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: Well, I’m asking YOU who’s on Hoth!

Stormtrooper 1: That’s the division’s name.

Stormtrooper 2: That’s who’s name?

Stormtrooper 1: Yes.

Stormtrooper 2: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Stormtrooper 1: Who.

Stormtrooper 2: The division of the Alliance stationed on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 1: Who!

Stormtrooper 2: The rebels.

Stormtrooper 1: Who is on Hoth!

Stormtrooper 2: Have you got a data readout of the rebels on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: Absolutely.

Stormtrooper 2: Who does it say is on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: It says Who is on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: When you enter this information into the Imperial archives, who do you say is on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: Who is.

Stormtrooper 2: That’s what I’m trying to find out.

Stormtrooper 1: Who is on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 2: All I’m tryin’ to find out is what’s the rebel’s name on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 1: Oh, no – wait a minute, don’t switch ’em around. What is on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 2: I’m not askin’ you who’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 1: Who is on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know.

Stormtrooper 1: He’s on Kashyyk – now we’re not talkin’ ’bout him.

Stormtrooper 2: Now, how did I get to Kashyyk?

Stormtrooper 1: You mentioned its name!

Stormtrooper 2: If I mentioned the alliance on Kashyyk, who did I say is stationed on Kashyyk?

Stormtrooper 1: No – Who’s stationed on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: Never mind Hoth – I wanna know what’s the name of the division of rebels stationed on Kashyyk.

Stormtrooper 1: No – What’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 2: I’m not askin’ you who’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 1: Who’s on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know.

Stormtrooper 1: He’s on Kashyyk.

Stormtrooper 2: Aaah! Would you please stay on Kashyyk and don’t go off it?

Stormtrooper 1: What was it you wanted?

Stormtrooper 2: Now who’s stationed on Kashyyk?

Stormtrooper 1: Now why do you insist on putting Who on Kashyyk?

Stormtrooper 2: Why? Who am I putting over there?

Stormtrooper 1: Yes. But we don’t want him there.

Stormtrooper 2: What’s the name of the division of the rebels on Kashyyk?

Stormtrooper 1: What belongs on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 2: I’m not askin’ you who’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 1: Who’s on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know.

Stormtrooper 1 & Stormtrooper 2: KASHYYK!

Stormtrooper 2: You got names of other rebellions on other planets?

Stormtrooper 1: Oh yes!

Stormtrooper 2: The rebellion on Dantooine?

Stormtrooper 1: Why.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.

Stormtrooper 1: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

Stormtrooper 2: Alright, then tell me who’s stationed on Mustafar.

Stormtrooper 1: Who is on Hoth –

Stormtrooper 2: STAY OUTTA THE INNER RIM! I wanna know what’s the name of the division stationed on Mustafar.

Stormtrooper 1: What’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 2: I’m not askin’ you who’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 1: Who’s on Hoth.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know.

Stormtrooper 1 & Stormtrooper 2: KASHYYK!

Stormtrooper 2: The name of the division stationed on Mustafar?

Stormtrooper 1: Why.

Stormtrooper 2: Because!

Stormtrooper 1: Oh, he’s on Bespin.

Stormtrooper 2: Look, you gotta name for the leader of the rebellion?

Stormtrooper 1: Now wouldn’t this be a fine rebellion without a leader.

Stormtrooper 2: The leader’s name.

Stormtrooper 1: Tomorrow.

Stormtrooper 2: You don’t wanna tell me today?

Stormtrooper 1: I’m tellin’ you now.

Stormtrooper 2: Then go ahead.

Stormtrooper 1: Tomorrow.

Stormtrooper 2: What time?

Stormtrooper 1: What time what?

Stormtrooper 2: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who the leader is?

Stormtrooper 1: Now listen. Who is not the leader. Who is on Hot –

Stormtrooper 2: I’ll disintegrate you if you say Who’s on Hoth. I wanna know what’s the leader’s name.

Stormtrooper 1: What’s on Tatooine.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t know.

Stormtrooper 1 & Stormtrooper 2: KASHYYK!

Stormtrooper 2: You got a second in command?

Stormtrooper 1: Oh, absolutely.

Stormtrooper 2: The second in command’s name.

Stormtrooper 1: Today.

Stormtrooper 2: Today. And Tomorrow’s leading.

Stormtrooper 1: Now you’ve got it.

Stormtrooper 2: All we’ve got is a couple of days of the rebellion.

Stormtrooper 1: Well, I can’t help that.

Stormtrooper 2: Well, I’m a second in command, too.

Stormtrooper 1: I know that.

Stormtrooper 2: Now suppose that I’m second in command, Tomorrow’s leading my rebellion, and their heavy frigate blasts off.

Stormtrooper 1: Yes.

Stormtrooper 2: Tomorrow devises the space route. The heavy frigate escapes Imperial shields. When it gets into hyperspace, its pilot wants to know who to contact on Hoth. And I say to contact who on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t even know what I’m talkin’ about!

Stormtrooper 1: Well, that’s all you have to do.

Stormtrooper 2: Is to say Who on Hoth?

Stormtrooper 1: Yes.

Stormtrooper 2: Now who’s going to tell him Hoth’s exact location on the star map?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 2: If I want Hoth’s location on the star map, somebody’s gotta give me the coordinates. Now who’s gonna give me the coordinates?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 2: Who’s gonna give me the coordinates?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 2: Who?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 2: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: Yes.

Stormtrooper 2: So I travel to the solar system, and contact Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: NO, NO, NO! You contact Hoth and Who answers.

Stormtrooper 2: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: That’s right. There we go.

Stormtrooper 2: So I travel to the solar system and contact Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: You don’t!

Stormtrooper 2: I contact who?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 2: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!

Stormtrooper 1: You’re not saying it that way.

Stormtrooper 2: I said I contact Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: You don’t – you contact Who?

Stormtrooper 2: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 1: Well, say that!

Stormtrooper 2: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING! I contact who?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 2: Ask me.

Stormtrooper 1: You contact Who?

Stormtrooper 2: Naturally.

Stormtrooper 1: That’s it.

Stormtrooper 2: SAME AS YOU!! I contact Hoth and who answers me?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 2: Who answers me?

Stormtrooper 1: Naturally!

Stormtrooper 2: HE BETTER ANSWER ME! So I contact Hoth. Whoever it is intercepts my communication, and contacts Tatooine. So I travel to Tatooine to try to intercept my communication before the leader gets it. So Who relays my communication and sends it to What, What sends it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know relays it back to Tomorrow. The rebellion wins.

Stormtrooper 1: Yes.

Stormtrooper 2: Another guy travels to that Solar System and gets intercepted by Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s on Kashyyk and I don’t give a damn!

Stormtrooper 1: What was that?

Stormtrooper 2: I said I don’t give a damn!

Stormtrooper 1: Oh, that’s the rebellion’s third in command.